If you were to ask me 5 years ago, if I were to have 3 kids the answer would have been hopefully yes. Having 3 kids was always the plan for my husband and myself. If you were to also ask if I were to have 3 boys, I may have also said Yes. Call me crazy, but I’ve never been someone that seen myself having a daughter. Obviously it goes without saying we love all of our kids regardless of gender. We decided to have 3 kids and the gender was never important. Which is probably why we never had gender disappointment (which I talk more about in this particular blog here). But for some reason, I never seen myself as a girl parent. My parents used to say “be careful you might end up with a daughter like you!”, mostly because I was a bratty kid. Well the joke is on them I have a son that is pretty much like me!
With raising kids, there is some values you want to enforce. Morals that you, yourself follow and want to raise them to know and hopefully also follow too. Regardless of gender. Thought for myself there are some really enjoyable and practical ways I want to help my sons grow up to be the best that they can be while knowing that they are so very loved and supported.
Respect themselves, us, everyone is probably the top of my list. Aside from the typical “respect your elders”. That is a very blanket and old term that doesn’t always need to be said. Let’s face it, there are some elders that I have met in my life that I literally don’t respect for some way, shape or form. I can be civil because I’m an adult. But that doesn’t mean I need to respect everyone. One thing I never really did as a child was respected my parents. I mean I did to some extent but I also didn’t at the same time. I thought their rules were too much and they were too strict. Though as an adult I know why they did these things. I also want my sons to respect themselves. They are valuable. And respecting each other. Even now, as small as they are, they have such different personalities. They are more than likely not going to agree on things and that is totally okay. They don’t have to. But they do need to respect each other. Having 3 of them, being so young, and already so vastly different personalities, the chance of the three of them agreeing on all things is probably very low.
I want to raise my sons to also help others. Not at their own expense of course because they are valuable but also to help people who are in need. Especially their wives or girlfriends or spouses (since we obviously don’t know who they are attracted to now!). I want to hopefully have them be caring to not only others, but also their partners in all walks of life. Even as teenagers they should know that we treat others, especially the ones we love with care and compassion. As someone who has survived a domestic violence relationship when I was a teenager, I talk more about it here, I can without a doubt tell you that his Mom didn’t really teach him that much, and if she did at one point she has to have given up because he was a handful. I don’t want my sons to turn up like that sad excuse for a human being. It’s so important to me that they understand that they shouldn’t be hurting anyone, physically, mentally, financially, or emotionally. And I also want them to understand too, that they shouldn’t let anyone treat them that way either. Their happiness is valuable and anyone who tries to diminish that is not worth their time! I want to be an open door that if this is happening, they can feel safe enough to tell me about this and we can figure out a way to make sure they are as far away from that relationship as possible.
I want my kids, who just so happen to be sons, to also know that our home is a safe space. If they are ever in a situation where they need help they can call myself or my husband. Growing up I was intimidated by my parents. And while there was for sure some sketchy situations I wouldn’t have called them. In fact, I never told them about the abuse by my ex in my teenage years because he threatened to tell them I smoked cigarettes. I know. Wild right? Like they would actually care more about that than getting me away from them. But to me that was worse. I don’t want my sons to ever feel like they can’t talk about anything with us. Even if whatever it is doesn’t make us happy, they can always talk to us and that door is open. I also half envision our home being the central point when they have friends and are teenagers but that’s a while away though. I want to show them that we are a fun spot and everyone is welcomed in this space as long as they too respect our rules. It’s another reason why as they grow older I wont be hiding the fact that yes, I do smoke weed as their mom.
While I would raise any gender children I have with a lot of the similar values and morals, there is a double standard surrounding sons that they need to be tough or emotionless. As a parent, it is up to us to break that. They are allowed to be strong and brave and also showing a softer side too. I want our boys to understand that they don’t need to put on a brave face. Or that they don’t need to pretend everything is okay if it isn’t. Nothing is too small or big to overcome and that doesn’t mean being stone cold about it. Being a man doesn’t mean not being able to cry either. And they will know that through and through too!
Stacey J. Girard 