There comes a point in any adult life where you need to re-evulate your circle of friends. I say adult because for most, myself included, it took a while for me to actually want to make my circle different. I too would try and keep up with all the friends I had even if it was a one sided relationship.
Let me paint you a picture, my own story. Rewind to I think 2018. I was getting ready to move to Quebec. A province a bit away, and where I would know no one. A lot of things happened while living here, had my 1st kid, became pregnant with second, then we came back right before Covid after being away two years. This was a temporary move mind you. We would always come back due to the nature of my husband’s career. So as best as I could I tried to keep in touch with “friends”.
Fast forward, we move back in 2021. I have my oldest who was a year and a half, I was 20w pregnant with our 2nd. Mind you also covid was around and restrictions were still heavily in place. We also were keeping a low profile due to not wanting to get sick. However I did send messages to people who I thought was my friends. What did I get? Radio silence. Or broken promises. Whether or not the reason was I had kids and maybe wasn’t as flexible, but we never even got to that part. And if I’m being honest, it was low key devastating.
At the end of the day though, I am nearly at my mid 30s. And regardless of the reason, having people flake on me sucks. Especially if they are saying “Yeah let’s plan something!” And it never becomes more than a message left on read and me asking them randomly “Hey, when are you free?”. It’s super disheartening to see this and also makes you feel like there is low key something wrong with yourself. As I grew older, had kids, and make my house a home I started to care less though. Why am I, a middle aged adult, chasing people who obviously either don’t want to hurt my feelings, or they want me to be around for whatever reason as long as it doesn’t require hanging out? As I write this I am totally fine and happy being in my house with my kids, and my husband, and not having to worry about others. I enjoy evenings in with my husband binging different TV shows too. I don’t need to keep a social calendar and HOPE that someone has time for me. Hell, I have 3 freaking kids and STILL want to make time for people. And for what? If we eventually do hang out it hopefully won’t be super awkward? Knowing that this hang out session is likely because I bothered them repeatedly to hang?
Let me help you. These are some quick reasons why and when you should think long and hard if you should stop bothering with people or not. Because these are literally the reasons why I basically said “Fuck it” and stopped trying to put any effort into people who obviously have 0 effort to put into me. Remember, I am sure you are also like me, Your time is not unlimited. I have basically evenings that I can work with. That is literally it. I have 3 small children, none in school right now, a husband who works full time, and at the end of the day, I don’t feel like doing anything let alone socializing but I am willing to still put in effort for some me time, even if others take that for granted. No more. These are the cues that made me want to slowly dwindle my social circle and keep it small.
– Unanswered messages or calls seems to be a big one. If your messaging someone and asking if they are free this week, or next few weeks and they are either not answering your phone calls, or they aren’t even replying when you KNOW they are on social media sharing things, or maybe they even left you on freaking read. It may just be time to slowly change your mindset and stop asking them when they can hang. Chances are if they did want to meet up, you would have already!
– Another reason to say “Fuck it” with a person is the empty promises of hanging out. These are the “friends” that will build you up to hang out and totally ghost you. You know the ones that will literally say “oh yeah! Let me check and get back to you”. They either don’t check or they leave you on read when you give a follow up question like “Have you checked later in the week?”. There is no reason to chase any of these people because why would you want to make them a priority in your life and value their friendship if they don’t put the same value back.
– If this person doesn’t talk to you kindly there is a good chance they aren’t even a friend to begin with. Maybe they are condescending and rude whenever you share a small success with them. Or maybe they quite frankly, just talk to you poorly. There is plenty or reasons why but a friend just doesn’t talk that way with a friend. So if they already are being blunt and not exactly talking to you great, drop them.
Life’s to short to chase anyone, period. And if you find yourself feeling even more upset when you slowly cut these people out, of you find yourself reaching for the phone to see what they are doing. Find a hobby! That’s what I started when I was pregnant, well just before I got pregnant with my final fella, I started sewing and needlepoint things. Whenever I felt like I wanted some socializing I would simple pick up the craft I was currently working on. It was a rough habit to get into due to the fact I was obviously upset and wanting to see friends, or people I once called friends, but eventually, I stopped putting effort into them what so every at all.