As a 3 time Mom again, I am no stranger to the expectations and comments that is made towards parents. This is my third time hearing some of the same things! It’s hard to even remotely try and grab a shower sometimes let alone dealing with the incredible change of living your life for yourself to living your life raising a tiny human. As much as I would also like to say the pressures of being a new mom change with each additional kid, it doesn’t. I think the biggest thing with being a new mom, or a new again mom, is as you have more children you learn how to handle people better. With your first you may be finding it hard to stand up for yourself. Even if you were confident before it can really make you question a lot of yourself. But as you get comfortable you will find your voice! As for a new mom, again, you are still finding a new voice and navigating a new normal but you find your voice quicker!
One thing that drives me nuts is how social influences talk about how when you become a new mom again, that your life doesn’t “really” change. These are people who likely have paid help with their kids due to the nature of their profession. Or in the very least have plenty of friends and family able to help them also. They are showing you what they want to show. And the fact is, even when they show you their “rough” side of parenting, maybe a restless night or trouble doing something, they are more than likely only showing you that snippet. They are still catering the video to something that makes it seem like it’s not as bad. Not only that but they could be showing you how their baby took a few mins extra to settle when maybe they didn’t settle all night. Or they have help to take care of their baby too. At the end of the day, having a baby or kid SHOULD change your life. You are raising a tiny human and while yes, you can do things you did before kids, it may take a little while to get back into a routine again to do those things. Look at me for example, there have been periods where this blog hasn’t been seen a lot. Or more new posts. Not because I lost interest, but because my priorities had changed and I was caring for a new baby. Those lives are popular for a reason, and it isn’t because of their parenting skills and how wonderful they are. Be mindful that it is likely over 90% of parenting influences are having some help to make their journey look far easier than it is. And raising any children whether your first or 5th is challenging.
Losing the weight or your body being forever changed NEVER gets talked about. In fact the opposite does. Sometimes while pregnant you hear lots of comments. Especially ones about your weight. “BOY, you gained a lot”. “You can see your weight gain in your face”. And even afterwards you still hear comments. Even slightly, unintentionally negative ones like “have you lost the baby weight yet?”. Harmless right? No. What is never talked about is that even during pregnancy and after, sometimes our bodies will never go back to the way they were. It doesn’t even matter what exercises you do, how you eat, or if you even weigh the same as you did pre-pregnancy. When I was pregnant with my 1st, a friend had said they were told that “sometimes our bodies never go back to the way they were, we carried babies and our body shape may be forever changed regardless of how much weight we lose. And that stuck with me through every pregnancy.
Breastfeeding is one of the hardest things you can do parenting. And that’s just the act itself. That’s not including the whole pressure that society gives you. So much so I wrote it in a blog post here. When I was pregnant with my first I was very open minded. I was going to try breastfeeding. A part of me felt like I should at least try. And a part of me knew that breastfeeding wasn’t for me. And the idea of pumping made me feel like an actual cow. So after 3 stressful and tiring days I gave up. In hindsight the best thing I ever could have done was give it up. Mentally I hated every minute of it. From the pressures from nurses to the ideas that society had on how a parent should feed their baby. I was so thankful to finally have help from my husband too who was able to also feed our sons. My mom loved being able to feed a bottle, and my husband too because he could also bond with our kids that way too. The fact is, we live in 2024. Formula is so advanced that the difference between both breast-milk and formula is not as vast as it once may be. Not to mention, both ways that kids are fed, they are still going to eat the same dirt off the floor regardless. And one way or the other has no intellectual advantage over the other.
The bottom line is there is so many different things when it comes to parenting that are pressures. Even as a 3rd time Mom again I STILL feel the breastfeeding pressures however I am more versed in being able to let them pass by and or speak up for myself. Something that I wasn’t able to do as a first time Mom because I was too worried about stepping on toes or disappointing people. When in the end I was disappointing myself!
If you are a parent feeling the pressures, you aren’t alone. And if you are someone hammering down these pressures, think again before you say statements that could be really hurtful to parents.
Stacey J. Girard 