Solo parenting is hard. Not to be confused with single parenting. Single parenting being when you have no spouse to ease anything. It’s just you and the world and your kids. Solo parenting is typically when you are the primary or “default” parent maybe because your spouse travels for work. Hellooo military lifestyles, I see you. And while single parenting has its challenges which likely are greater than Solo, Solo parenting still does have challenges. Especially in the ever changing lifestyle of having help and then not having help.
Whether your partner works out west, or is in the military, maybe a pilot or flight attendant. There are various reasons why many people are reaching further into the world to provide financially for their families. Even here in Nova Scotia with the medical fields being so under staffed could make you seem like you’re Solo parenting far more than you initially planned. As someone who has done this lifestyle for nearly 15 years with the last 5 while having children, these are some things that help me get through the tougher patches and adjustments to being the sole parent.
A routine is a life saver. I say this as we don’t really have a routine but more of a guideline. Currently my oldest is in school Monday to Friday. That’s a routine. We have specific bath days too. Then we have different meals that we do sometimes making things easier. Groceries Solo are done not on weekends if I can help it because they are usually far busier. Then we also have the phone calls from my husband around supper time/bed times to say goodnight to the kids. I find these things also help days go by. Something that may not be as easy for him because when he is away his days aren’t exactly different. Which ironically I would be jealous of the places around the world he would see and now the tables have turned and he’s the one who misses out being here with us. Before we had kids I would throw myself into work. I would work more and time passed relatively fast. Now with kids and staying home it makes things seem to go by faster most days even without having a conventional job.. Sometimes I’ll check the time and it’s already after lunch and I have to get my oldest fella from school. Other days like weekends we relax at home and just spent quality time together playing games or binging a movie marathon on Disney.
Cut yourself some slack. Easier said then done but do it. If you are out somewhere on a bath night. Don’t stress yourself trying to get back to have baths and snacks and bedtime. Skip the bath till the next day and just move on. If you planned a big elaborate meal however someone was fussing and cranky or maybe it’s not thawed in time. Don’t stress it. Grab a quick backup dinner and keep going. There are a lot of days that are going to go smoothly and quick. But there are going to be other days where you wake up and swear the kids had it out for you since the time they blinked into the sun for the first time that morning. And thats okay too. Without having another parent to bounce ideas off or even relieve you at the end of the day makes it challenging. I know when My husband goes away I really miss my bowling nights. The nights that I spend doing something for me. And something as simple as taking 30 minutes to fold laundry in the afternoon on a Saturday now becomes an after bed task because the kids want to help and the mess just isn’t something I want to also deal with.
One thing I used to struggle with more is being the “bad cop”. Not because I couldn’t, or didn’t want to be, but with a partner who isn’t always able to be around someone has to be the bad guy and enforce rules. As much as I know my husband would it just doesn’t work that way even in the first bit of time since he may have come back. The kids see it as “Dad’s home!”. And I’m still the bad guy.
It’s hard. It truly is. When they are pushing your buttons and told you “NO” more times than the amount of words in a dictionary and knowing you don’t have the relief or teammate to tap in when you’re overwhelmed is hard. Again, not as hard as single parenting by any means. But it still has its own challenges. Then there is also the adjustment back. Because unlike single parenting where jts just you, eventually solo parenting isn’t solo parenting and you are adjusting back to things with the other parent being back. And while you may have your routine or habits or discipline tricks and tips, the other parent now had to integrate back into this world while also not undermining what you are wanting to do too. An example of this would be at the end of the day. Sometimes the kids are spent, I’m spent and I’d rather give the damn cookie then argue over 3 chips or a cookie. Where as my husband may handle the situation differently and then the kids are thrown a bit because the two of us aren’t as in sync as we are if he hasn’t been away for a while.
Regardless of single parenting, solo parenting, combined parenting. Raising kids is challenging. The standards put on us by other parents and influencers is shocking and down right alarming. The unrealistic expectations and pressures are just not normal. And whether you have a whole team or are doing it by yourself. Be kind to you. You are doing the best you can in the situation you were given with and you too can be flexible and accommodating for whether you have help or you are just doing this day by day on your own!
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Stacey J. Girard 