For the first time in my life, I went on anti-anxiety medications. At 34 years of age I, really went on a medication that I never in my life thought I would need. And don’t get me wrong, there is absolutely no shame in needing medications. I just never thought I would have needed them. Truth be told, I likely needed them far before I actually went on them. But here we are. This is my journey.
In the short answer, why I decided to consult my doctor about medications, I felt like my brain didn’t work. I just wasn’t happy. And it’s not that I had anything to even be unhappy about. I have 3 beautiful, healthy kids, a supportive husband, a home and no real debt. Even still, I just felt like something was preventing me from being happy. Something was missing. I was finding myself snappy at the people around me. My patience was literally non-existent. I was being emotional just when a slight inconvenience happened. This wasn’t me. I was never like this. I didn’t feel like myself and knew I needed to reach out. Mind you, I also needed to have reached out sooner than later but I just held it in because I found it hard to come to terms that my brain just wasn’t properly working as it should.
I ran the idea past a friend of mine and my husband that maybe I needed something to help. After all, I did have 3 kids back to back and it does mess with your bodies chemistry. That’s just a fact. Looking back I could have even had some minor post-partum depression or anxiety. My friend who was on medications like this before was like maybe it is time. And my husband said it wouldn’t hurt to see because obviously he had noticed the change in me also. Though he had never started this conversation with me when I would have my “moments” of freaking out for no reason. Him and I have been together nearly 2 decades, we grew, raising a family, and everything else. He knew something just wasn’t right too. But this was a decision that I had to come to realize first.
I went to the doctor and explained. While he gave an extremely low dose of the generic Zololf, he also suggested counseling. Admittedly I haven’t done that yet and while I don’t want to make excuses, whose got the time?! Especially with 3 little ones and virtual appointments are non-existent at a convient time, and then a husband who travels for work too. I found I personally had very minimal side effects. I was a lucky one. I did find myself more tired and was able to hide away in the bedroom a bit because I had started when my husband was off work for a bit. However it really didn’t have any adverse effects. I had such a low dose too I didn’t need to gradually increase or anything and am currently just on a low dose. I do try to take it at the same time every day but when times are busy, say a day filled with appointments or the holidays I found myself forgetting if i even took it. Which is not good either.
The first month on this drug I slowly began to notice changes. Positive ones. I had more motivation to clean and do things. I also had more ambition. My temper was fizzling out and I felt like I could have my buttons pushed all day without exploding. I also found myself not snacking as much at night. Which if you have been following the random blogs here for any length of time you would see that snacking is a really hard challenge for me. It was almost as if a part of me was snacking to feel “happy” but I wasn’t actually. I felt like I needed to just eat and eat and eat. With the medication I felt like I could snack a bowl of chips, and be done. I wasn’t going back for seconds or third bowls. Which is just one of the smaller life changing things that happened. I didn’t want this to take some hugely drastic change to my life. Mostly because I was happy with how things were going even if I didn’t “Feel” happy.
After 2 months one of the hardest parts is to remember to take the pill! I find myself forgetting to take it if I’m feeling great. I’ve also been told by a family member I shared with about taking a medication that I feel less on edge. My resting attitude so to speak isn’t as stressed or anxious. I feel stable. And my husband continued to notice that I also am doing better mentally. While I don’t want to take the medication forever, and again no shame if people need them forever, I just want to keep going on this path and motivating myself to keep being myself. I also believe a huge things which is one of my goals for myself is to take control of my health. Trying to get more sleep. Implementing workout programs or exercises even if just a little bit when the kids go to bed. Monitoring what I eat better and avoiding late night snacking. Using my agenda more to properly keep track of my progress.
Having kids changes your life. Some more permanent ways than others. But it’s okay to be part of the group that has literal chemical changes. Growing humans is hard on bodies. It’s just a side I didn’t think I would be on. And a side I wish I reached out for sooner than later. My quality of life and how much better it has become, I feel alone is worth the change. I feel relief. I feel confident again. I feel like I am becoming more and more who I was pre-kids. Which while I wont ever go back to that person. The carefree spirit that I once had, slowly will be shining more.
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Stacey J. Girard 