Before I even begin, this isn’t ment to downplay infertility. This is such a small hiccup in the pregnancy journey hundreds of thousands of wives and women go through. Even men as well, but for this particular blog being a women we arent going to touch that side of things as I really dont know anything about it. But this is a small blip of a personal experience that I didn’t expect would impact me the way it did. I have never had a miscarriage. I never struggled with infertility. But this very small portion of the journey really impacted me and I just was really surprised that it did so drastically. It made me question a lot of things and put worry where I didn’t want it. It was as we were trying for our 3rd and final baby and it was just something I felt like I should share. I thought by sharing my personal feelings it may help others. People who thought the same was as I did, and maybe downplayed their own feelings because they seemed insignificant on a larger scale. And while they may be to some people, these feelings are still valid and very real to feel that way. I will note also, for some reason as we continued on our parenting journey toward our ideal 3 children household, for some reason, infertility was an anxiety that increased. I don’t even know why as we never struggled but for some reason secondary infertility was a really big worry for me. When we tried for our second I was anxious how long it would take. And then our third with the chemical pregnancy it was an all time high.
A chemical pregnancy is when you can get a pregnancy test positive however it never fully goes further. It didn’t fully implant and for whatever reason, usually genetics, it just isn’t viable. It isn’t considered a miscarriage because of the length of time it had grown, or lack there of. A lot of people don’t even know when they have a chemical pregnancy for the simple fact they have a period and everything seems to just happen as usual. There really isn’t anything that can be done to prevent a chemical pregnancy and if it happens, it just does. No medical interventions are needed. In fact, the only way to truly know you experienced it is just by testing. Normally it is so prematurely early that you won’t likely have any other early pregnancy symptoms. The only way that this could be something leading towards further investigations would be if you routinely get chemical pregnancy that may be cause for testing. Remember too, They say a first pregnancy can take up to a year even in healthy people to have an egg stick to be a viable pregnancy.
Which leads me to how did I know?
I was stupid and excited. The only way to really know is because this was the first month we were trying for our last baby and I stupidly tested far too early. Like hella early. So when I tested the line was ever so faint. And as it began to get closer to my regular period starting, the line never got darker but it also never changed, if anything became fainter to a negative. I don’t think my period was drastically different. Had I not have tested so incredibly early I likely wouldn’t even have known. And because I’ve never tested that early and not been pregnant, I honestly don’t think I’ve ever had one previously but I would have never known either. It also should be said that pregnancy tests aren’t exactly able to “measure” pregnancy hormones. While likes do get darker sometimes or fainter in my case, they don’t always get darker and can be a totally normal pregnancy too.
I was devastated. I mean. I was utterly lost. And again, this is such a small hiccup compared to the struggles that people have, but for me this was just awful. It made me question if we suddenly had infertility issues. It made me feel like there was something wrong with me. I also was beating myself up for the fact that I knew better than to test so early. I knew better than to get my hopes up so soon after a positive. I was on apps for months, as we had kids, some years, and seen this countless times before of people who would test early and too feel the disappointment. I knew better but I just let my heart get the best of me. And while there is nothing wrong with that if I had of just waited I likely would have not even experienced it.
While I knew about chemical pregnancys, I never thought I would ever be so emotionally invested in such a small blip in this journey. I truly was. I don’t even know how many tests that I took in that work waiting for my cycle to start and hoping that it was sooner than later while still hanging on to the littlest glimmer of hope that maybe it wasn’t a chemical pregnancy. Only to re-evulate a lot of aspects of how I let myself get excited (or not).
What does it mean long term? In my case nothing in particular. I personally got pregnant with our 3rd the next month and then carried him for 9 months. It was totally fine. For others it may mean more but for me it was just a part of the journey. There was no long standing issues and I just went back at it again and learned testing so early may not be smart. But trying to grow a family it is so incredibly hard to not get excited when you see the test show you that you are in fact pregnant. Even if it doesn’t last as one would plan for.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that if you too had a chemical pregnancy. Your feelings are so very valid. I didn’t think this would either happen to me or effect me like it did. And here we are, it happened. But it also doesn’t have to mean anything negative either. Just an emotional roller coaster in the fertility journeys people are on.
Stacey J. Girard 