Losing any member of the family is hard. For anyone. Thankfully at the time of writing this I have not necessarily lost a lot of members in my family though. Which is good. However as I age others around me also age and even thinking about this can be a damper on anyone’s mood.
The first major death I remember was when I was 9. My dad’s mom was in the hospital. She had a stroke. She smoked heavily. She also was near unresponsive after a surgery and essentially a person in a coma on a bed. This was the first time I had encountered death and it was never easy. I remember this because my dad was going to and from the hospital and I had made a card for my Nanny. He brought it there and I had wrote something so innocent as “I hope you get better soon, Please try to eat something, anything to help you be strong.”. The next day I had woken up and seen that there was the card sitting on the table. When I had asked my dad if he forgot to bring it he explained that she had moved on. I was so young that I of course was sad that my Nanny was gone however I didn’t really understand the full experience of it. I seen her often however due to the heavy smoking and being asthmatic It was never for super long periods of times either.
The next time we lost someone was my Mom’s dad. My Grampie. This sucked. I was 20 or 21. I was at work. I was actually arguing with my Boyfriend (Yes, The same one I am with now!) and I was at work with my phone turned off. He was at a restaurant with people he worked with and then I had turned on my phone. I was supposed to be working over night too. I checked my messages and seen that I had some from my family. And if I could get there I should as it was not looking that great with him. I remember seeing him on the Monday the same week and he seemed great and on the mend. My Grampie had cancer which we found out in the fall before and he passed in the spring. This was a Saturday and then he was in the “Coma like state” from the afternoon/morning and passed just before Midnight, on Saint Patrick’s day. My Grampie was in the navy so we thought what better day for him to go then one celebrating some booze and parties. I felt also an immense amount of guilt with the passing of my grandfather because I wasn’t exactly there as much as I liked. I would say I was the closest of all the grand kids because I would stay over at my grandparents often, however I did not have a license at this time and was working a new job so I was picking up as much shifts as possible for this. I feel like I missed some of the moments that I wanted to be there for.
The next few deaths happened super quickly. There was a man in our life who was basically another grandfather to our family. He also passed of cancer. This was on Good Friday. By this time I had my license and any moment I had I would be at the hospital with my dad or just saying hello. His wife is still very close to our family and I cannot wait to introduce her to our son. I feel like I visited him a lot because it was something that I felt I lacked with my Grampie. It was extremely tough for me when he passed as I was with friends and family when he let go of his life here and I had to work all weekend. With it being Easter I was scheduled for shifts and knowing that no one would probably cover them I tried my best to make them covered for the funeral. It was extremely tough but I knew I had to do that. I was thankful I was able to spend the time I had with him. Right after his death, another family friend whom my mom would babysit their kids had passed too. This was a month after. It was completely out of left field and unexpected. She was in the hospital with a virus or something and came home that night, and then had a stoke or something and was just gone like that. Her husband is on Facebook, as is the wife of the previous man I mentioned. So we do keep in touch a bit that way also.
Being there when seeing someone in the “coma like state” is heartbreaking. You feel like you want to do more and it never is easy the more times you do it. I can say that begin 31 years old I was thankful that the people in my life that we did unfortunately lose had left us relatively quickly. To think that people sometimes are in this silent state for a week or more is hard for me to even wrap my head around. It will be a lot of waiting and hoping that something changes even though deep down you know that it wont be changing. I cant imagine how hard it would be for losing other family or friends who you were extremely close with.
I think it is important to also remember. Everyone grieves differently. There is no right or wrong way to remember someone or to accept that they are gone. I know for me I tend to put humor into death. Not because I think that its funny but because I have no other way to handle it. That would be my coping mechanism. The best thing you go do for someone who is going through the grieving process is to just be there. Support them even if they would like the silent support too. You can still be there for someone even if it isn’t in a way that you need them. And if the person wants to be left alone for a little bit it is okay to let them have space too.
Have you lost someone close to you?
What are some things you did to cope?
Let me know in the comments below!
As an adult, these are two of the most annoying questions I think I have ever heard in my life. Like many other I am sure hearing them can make you feel not very good about yourself. They may make you feel frustrated or angry. Or they may even make you feel sad also. Being the oldest out of my siblings and being the last to have a child and get married, it sucked to hear this. My boyfriend and I had just welcomed out first child in 2020 and that same year were together 10 years. No, we are not engaged either. However my brother who is a bit younger was married around 21 and had a step son and a daughter a few years later. My sister was also married fairly early and is also with 2 kids too. Hearing these questions were not a good feeling and to be fair near the end it was extremely frustrating and quite frankly made me angry.
People think asking these is harmless. It’s not. Maybe a couple has decided against doing all of these. Maybe they have been actively trying to have a child for years and have been unsuccessful. Or perhaps they have had miscarriages and this is a reminder of that. Asking these questions is extremely personal. Not to mention if they have answered this for people multiple times prior chances are that they wont be changing their answer. Or they simply do not wish to tell you.
Since I was the last person to start a family out of my siblings and was with my boyfriend for a long time I got this question often. It sucked. It made me feel like I should be doing something in my life to please everyone. And that is not okay. I was waiting to have kids as was my boyfriend. We never wanted kids young so we could live our life. But the outside pressures and always being asked was something we didn’t like hearing year in year out multiple times. Near the end it made us angry like our last answer wasn’t good enough so the question being asked continuously was annoying. Our answer never changed. We always said soon or we always said yes, we planned on having kids. We never said that we didn’t want to have kids or a family with children. It was just that it wasn’t necessarily convenient for us. We liked to have the freedom of being able to do a little travel within the country and just leave out dog home. We liked being able to do a quick day trip around where-ever without thinking about packing up the car and children. We had no problem waiting for kids and that is exactly what we did. Our problem was with people who would want us to have children sooner based on their expectations of it. The comments we have heard was “We’ll you don’t want to be old having kids” or ” you want to see them have grand kids” Which was super frustrating to me because my mom had a previous child in the 80s whom passed away, however my 3 siblings and I were born when her and my dad were early 30’s. The exact same age I am now. I feel like there was this pressure because my younger siblings had their own families so young that I was being pushed to do the same thing.
As I am sure you can tell I am becoming the black sheep of the family as I have a child and am also not married. My boyfriend has no desire to get married however I know that some day I would like to be married and it never had to be before kids though. I always pictured being married after we were finished having children and they would all be a part of it. My brother had proposed to his now wife after knowing her for a brief period and her being there after he went away with the military. My sister was engaged to her now husband after they were together a few years and had knew one another in high school. I have told my boyfriend that yes, I do want an engagement ring on my finger. However I am not going to start planning or anything as that isn’t even on my radar in terms of things I want to plan. But eventually yes I would like it to happen. Comments from friends and family like “You aren’t even engaged yet!” or “You have a child before getting married?”. Honestly, My boyfriend and I had just celebrated a 10 year anniversary, I would like to think that we are going to be going pretty steady if we aren’t broken up now. Especially since I know i drove him crazy from quarantine also.
I think at the end of the day you have to be honest about your feelings with this to people who keep pestering you. If you want to never have kids. Say it. If marriage is not in your cards. Say it. There is no shame in not wanting to have kids or marriage.
If you’re someone who asks these questions. Stop. They are never the outcome you want and it can be extremely discouraging when you have someone pry into your life like this. You are doing more damage then good. If a person wants to get married or they want to have kids you will know eventually. And if you did ask these questions before once is more then enough.
Before closing out this sensitive subject, I asked my boyfriend what he thought. He said this: “I think these questions are the same as finances, religion or politics, you just don’t ask”. I never really considered this to be true when it comes to this question but thinking about it from this perspective I don’t think I could agree more. I know for me personally having this question asked so many times over the years I tend to never mention this unless the person has mentioned it before.
Are you guilty of asking this question?
Have you had is asked of you and felt not so pleasant afterwards?
Let me know in the comments below!
Letting go of friendships can be one of the hardest things you ever do. Evidently enough it is even harder the longer that you have been friends with them. The fact is, it is okay to outgrow a friendship. Whether it be for different reasons such as drifting apart or your goals and dreams both change, or it even be because they are creating a toxic environment in your life.
For a long time I was HORRIBLE at ending a friendship. I was the type of friend that would give any friend the shirt off my back. The problem with this is that I was blind to just how I was being treated. I was the “too nice” friend. I was the person who would drop anything in a heartbeat if you needed it. The problem was when I did this it was normally for people who would use me and take advantage of my kind heart. Eventually when you are in these kinds of friendships or even relationships you have to end it because you are mentally drained with nothing left in the tank to give anymore.
There are many subtle red flags so to speak when it comes to a friendship not being as genuine. These are just some tips that I have noticed when looking back over the years why I have drifted apart with people in my life. It can happen really rapidly or it can happen super slowly over time. For me I would say the majority of these things happened when my boyfriend pointed out to me that some of my “friends” were not even friends at all. They were people who just wanted to take whatever they could from me.
One red flag that I think just about anyone can relate to is “The Convenience” friend. This is the type of person who expects you to be around any time of day or night for whenever they have some crisis or life event happening. However, whenever you need someone to talk to or vent or even just hang with they are suddenly busy or no where to be found. They also typically get mad at you when you are unable to be there for them. Often they hold a grudge at you and if you even think about mentioning to them how you felt when they were “inconveniently” unavailable during the time you needed some help and someone to talk with, they suddenly have this huge problem to deflect from the fact they were a crummy friend. Eventually you will grow apart with this person because nothing is more of a bummer in life is having a friends who only thinks and cares for themselves.
The “Ultimatum” friend sucks. I don’t really think there can be anything more blunt than this. This is the type of friend who gives you an ultimatum in friendship. When I first started dating my boyfriend, I had a friend like this. I had been really close with them for the past 2 years or year whatever before I met him. When we were dating he was not a fan of smoking weed. I smoked it though being with him I slowly stopped (Now it is legal in Canada no problem). He was worried because his job didn’t allow this and he didn’t want to get in some sort of trouble. This friend and I smoked a lot of weed, and I mean a lot. We went through some tough times and helped one another. When I told her I was slowly stopping weed not because I am trying but because being with him made me not want to be stoned as much. She gave me an ultimatum. Either stay friends with her, or leave my boyfriend who we had just moved in together and the amount of good he had and still brings to my life. Naturally I left that friend. Why would I stay friends with someone who makes me choose? That didn’t even make sense. And low and behold I am still with my boyfriend after all of those years. Did I ever stay in touch with the friend? No. They moved across the country and had their own things. Any time I reached out I was met with ignoring messages and not even acknowledged. When you have a friend like this chances are they are telling you this because they know that you are drifting away and this is their last ditch effort to bring you back in to their circle. Most times it isn’t worth it and you shouldn’t have choose between a friend and a relationship.
The “User” friend could also be considered in the last friend I talked about in the ultimatum part. The problem with these types of people in your life is that they don’t normally take everything at once. They take little by little and then they never give back. Ive had people like this who use my kindness and use me for things. This became ever so evident once I got my license. People would always call when they want you to drive them somewhere but they would conveniently pay for gas on pay day, they would say they would give you something in return but not have that at the time. It is always a “Ill hit you back next time” when that next time never comes. Typically when they have acquired enough debt so to speak (Not necessarily money) they disappear. I seen this with people who used others as it is a lot easier to see them do this to others than to yourself. The faster you see this the easier it is to let go and move on.
Regardless of which friend you are walking away from or whatever the reason may be. It sucks. There is no easy way to do it. Some people I stopped talking to I had talked to for years. And it is hard. Especially if you talk frequently or daily. You grab a phone to dial their number or text or message online, and you stop yourself because you don’t want to bring that back. I will say though, The longer you aren’t talking to this individual, the easier it is to not talk to them again. It may be a struggle at first and you have to take every inch of will power to not contact them. But after time passes and you can look at it with a fresh perspective, You will be so happy to be gone!
Do you have friends you have left before? What were your reasons and do you regret it?
Let me know in the comments below!