Monthly Archives: August 2022

What People Wish They Knew About Pregnancy – Part 3

Before I begin, I want to say this is something that I had asked the people on the app “Peanut”. This is an app where mothers sign up and can meet other moms around their towns and essentially become friends and hang out (Not a sponsor). However for me I felt it was far too overwhelming and in typical fashion I stopped using the app. I did however ask a question to the community, that question was “What is something you wish people told you about pregnancy or birth”. These are some responses and once the other parts become active I will be posting them below with links. And you are more than welcome to check them out yourself too!

What do you wish people told you about pregnancy and birth Part 1
What do you wish people told you about pregnancy and birth Part 2

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Fundal Massage for uterus was something that I had NO IDEA about when I had given birth the first time. I will say having a c-section for my second I did not notice if there was any massage which I assume there was not due to the fact I had just been cut open there. However with my first vaginal birth HOLY MOLY it was tough. The nurses literally will put their palm or even their fingers and wiggle it around your abdomen to see if your uterus is shrinking back and it does not tickle. They check this periodically and it is absolutely not comfortable at all. Yes it is important and needs to be done but just know that it does not feel great though at all. I know when it comes to having our third and final child, as much as I am hoping to have a vaginal birth similar to our second I am HOPING that this massage happens quickly and it becomes short lived!

*** If you would like to support this blog financially you are more than welcome to do so by clicking this link here to bring you to my Ko-Fi website. Supporting the blog via tips is NEVER pressured however if you feel so inclined to help out in another way this is a perfect way to do so! You can see some behind the scenes items as well as insider info on the store updates and uncensored blogs also coming soon!

Forceps or vacuum was something I knew very little about and thankfully with the 2 children I have (And hopefully the 3rd when the time comes) we dont need to know anything about these! This is where you have to have these tongs to help pull your baby out. And the vacuum is just that, it will suction to the top of your babies head to help them come out of you. I was only told about these in my 1st pregnancy when the doctor was half threatening me with gaining too much weight and how this may be something that is needed if I kept gaining. Luckily I never needed them as my son came so fast however I have heard of these being essential in giving birth for whatever reason. In the moment I can imagine they are horrifying and worrisome.

Lack of sleep from labor to months later is something that you may think is assumed however it isn’t. I will say that with my first two son’s they have been nearly incredible sleepers compared to stories I have heard from friends. As obvious as it may be no one really talks about the lack of sleep you get after a baby is born. For my second pregnancy I found it was a lot harder to sleep the bigger I had gotten however I don’t remember that with my first. Afterwards you are also looking at about 2 months of lack of sleep where the first month you are basically a zombie in the process. I know it sounds crazy but it is true. Babies do drink every 3 hours so they need to really be up that much. After about 2 months both of my son’s slept alright averaging maybe 6-9 hours a night. What makes this challenging is that when you have multiple children. With my first I was able to sleep when he slept and catch up on sleep. However with my second that was not entirely possible due to the fact that he was on one nap per day and the newborn didn’t exactly sleep when you wanted them to!

Mom Guilt is something that I dont think anyone ever can prepare you for. This also can be parenting guilt too. One of the first things I know I felt guilty about with mom guilt was not wanting to breast feed. It is hammered down our throats as a mom that if you don’t you are depriving your child of certain things that they never talk about all the reasons why breast feeding may not be right for your family. For me, mentally I just was unable to breastfeed. I did not enjoy it, I felt wrong doing it, and when my son had jaundice and feeding was super important to make it go away it scared me and made me paranoid that he was not drinking enough. That is not to say that it doesn’t work for other people but for me I loved the fact that my spouse was able to feed our children and I was able to sleep a bit, or that I wasn’t hooked up to some sort of pump the entire time or waking every 2 hours trying to make things happen. The guilt I felt this for my first child was tough. It was extremely hard to even get past. I have a friend who breastfeeds her kids and she said flat out fed is best. There is such a stigma about parents who choose to formula feed that it needs to be stopped. It would probably help with things like postpartum depression as well if we never had so many pressures on us parents before the baby has even been born!

As you can see there is multiple things that may seem pretty obvious to others however this is not the case. This is something that maybe by writing these out a new parent may know before the situation arises! And if you are pumped to read this I can’t wait for you to read the other ones when they come out too!

If you would like to purchase the book you are more than welcome to do so here, though the link is for the Canadian site you may need to be redirected to the Amazon sited for your Country to be able to purchase a copy for yourself!

9 New Baby Essentials

Having a new baby can get overwhelming at times to say the least. You have everyone and their dog trying to recommend the latest or best things to help you out. Being a new mom and one that started to have children at 30 most of my friends already had children. So they did the easy work! Some of these things are my must haves and some of the folks on  my Facebook also recommended also too.

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Baby Frida Nose Sucker is honestly near the top of my list of things you must buy for your new baby. And before you say this is gross know, yes, it is gross but it really is not as gross as you may think. When my son was born we started him on similar because it was a popular formula brand. It made my son constipated some looked to switch. When we did it helped tremendously however before he would staring to poop and have milk come up through his nose. I know it sounds gross and it was. But this saved us by being able to suck the boogies and milk sting from his nose. Not to mention when they are sick it helps a lot too. Just know that when your child ages it will be challenging to use and you may need two people but this was a huge life saver.

Recieving Blankets may be overrated but we loved ours. My mom had made a few and we were given a few from our neighbor. We used these to swaddle him when he was very tiny and they are great for keeping over your shoulder in case there is spit up and for burping too they have a lot of coverage. Not to mention you will want a few spares because you can easily go through a few a day just from burping alone. Let alone if they have an over spill of pee or poop and leak through their clothes to their swaddle too.

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Baby Monitor is for sure a must have. It is 2021 and this is especially great if you live on a multi level home. It is huge in helping to shed some relief as your little one sleeps. We loved ours because the bedrooms were upstairs. Mind you we did use a bassinets with my son and we will be using it with our next baby but when they start sleeping in their own crib this is for sure a security thing. The only downside I would say is that after a few months the battery life and charge is nearly non existent. On average it lasts about 2 hours and will start to beep at us to plug it in. Which is great but that beeping lasts nearly an hour. Yes we timed it one night and was curious. And you are unable to turn off the beeping also. Which is a bummer too because unless you plug it in the beeping will continue.

Haakaa for breast feeding moms was recommended to me by someone on Facebook as a life saver since it caught breast milk from being wasted when your baby is going to be drinking from the other side. This is something that is manual and uses suction around your nipple to catch any left overs. With my son I stopped pretty early and with this baby we are going to try breast feeding a bit further as well as trying to pump so we have a stock pile also. I am really nervous about this however this is something I will be buying to use and test out as well.

Yellow Plastic Toothbrush is something that a friend of mine enjoyed but I found my son was not super fond of it, this is a finger tooth brush and it had brushes on opposite sites that were rubber. Maybe it was more challenging for us because my son had teeth later however it was still worth it for the price to really give it a go at brushing his teeth. And where it is rubber it is super easy to clean and you can really feel where it goes in his teeth and that it actually is brushing. Another friend also recommended this too.

Car Seat Cover for winter newborns was something that a friend recommended. When my son was born in March it was not super chilly out and we had enough blankets that we could out them around him so that he was nice and cozy warm. A friend of mine had her son towards the end of December and said that this was a life saver for them when traveling because it blocked so much of the chill from the Canadian Winters. We are due with our new baby at the end of November and for sure will be getting one to help with traveling.

Sleep Sacks have been a life saver, especially when swaddling has stopped due to them moving too much. We have had so many sleep sack throughout the birth to growth of our son that we will continue to use them with all our kids. We tried a few diff kinds. One of them which I won’t link had the zipper break. The only thing I would suggest is buy a few sizes at once as they can be deceiving and you want to see how they fit your little one. Another would be to have a second one. That way if they have a wet diaper that has over flowed you have a spare to change them into, especially in the middle of the night!

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Face Clotheshave been over rated and we have used them every single day. Especially having a boy when they are very very little it helps to cover their little downstairs quickly so they do not pee everywhere and end up peeing on the face cloth. They aren’t just for baths either we use them for wiping his face after meals. Cleaning before bed. Baths. If you had to dry a bum after using a wet wipe to apply diaper rash cream. There really is many types of uses and you cannot go wrong with them!

As you  can tell there is a lot of things I would recommend for new parents. And aside from the few I was suggested I have used everyone and plan on using one as well.

Is there anything you would recommend for a new parent?

What is your top tool or item you were so happy to receive or give to a new parent? 

Let me know in the comments below!

The Darkness, Poetry Collection, Explained!

If you have been living under a rock, you may not be aware but I have been writing, editing and releasing a collection of poetry. In fact I am releasing three this year! This is explaining the first (And essentially “darkest” one) and what you may need to be aware of.

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Before I begin to jump into some subjects of this book here is your trigger warning. The subjects that are in this book and what I am about to talk about are hard for most to deal with. A lot of us have dealt with them and lived them and a lot of us just find they are hard to form opinions because there is a stigma around them. There is various reasons for me to have written this particular collection however the subjects here are tough for most to read or accept too.

**If you like what you are reading through out these blogs, and are looking at ways to financially support the blog, please consider checking out my Ko-Fi link here. You will NEVER be pressured to contribute to towards put any type of money towards the blog however if the thought has crossed your mind, here is a great way to help a stay at home mom provide some financial relief for her family.

One of the reasons why I wrote this collection was for myself. That is because apparently I had a lot of feelings that I needed to express. One of the subjects that has a dominant theme in the categories would be that I write about domestic violence. If you aren’t familiar with it, I was in an abusive relationship from the time that I was 18 to just after I turned 20 years old. It sucked. It was hard. I never really talked about it. And this was a way for me to release and spread how I felt. I know that people too who maybe felt like I could were unable to understand why this happened to them, They may have felt like they deserved it like I did, or they make have been in similar situations too. I feel like by writing a lot of these things I have let myself understand that these things did happen and they were real.

Another subject that I talk about is drug abuse. A lot of us know what it may be like to have family members who have been addicted to various means or maybe themselves. When I was in high school towards my final years I loved to take ecstasy. Was it a problem? Sure. Did no one know about it? Not really. I just hid things from people and made it seem fine. Doing it at parties or with friends or even working at Burger King with a few people working or the manager too. This is something that I talk about too in this particular blog in detail.

These poems also touch on subjects from a self harm, bullying, death and losing family members, illnesses like cancer and depression. I am not going to sit here and say I have a diagnosed mental health issue. I never sought help and I dont feel like I needed to. Maybe one day but for the time being I just never did. I feel like when I write it was something similar to throwing something away. I felt like I was able to write how I felt and that I was giving a weight that has been weighing me down.

I wanted to write this selfishly for myself however I have a feeling that maybe, just maybe, others will also feel like they too feel that they too will be to understand though that there is more people out there who also feel the way that they were feeling. So often when we are in situations we all bottle things up, and we blame ourselves. We feel like we are alone. Due to the stigma of these subjects people either wont take us seriously etc. Not this time. I am writing this as a way of exposing and hopefully breaking barriers that these situations are more known than we may want to lead on to be.


I know that some people are not going to be interested in this. That is totally okay too! I know that this book is not for everyone either. I have put a lot of disclaimers in and trigger warnings including some sub-subjects in the table of contents. That way you can choose if you want to read particular chapters or skip through them. Kind of think about the popular Chicken Soup for the Soul books and how they ranged in many subjects and what not. Now a days people like to have the trigger warnings so that they can prep themselves or skip readings. That is what I am doing here. I want people to be fully aware that what they are reading may effect them mentally and be challenging for them to continue.

I also want to be blunt and harsh when I wrote them too. I didn’t want to write about situations where they seemed to sugar coats them. Domestic abuse, death, feeling lonely are all situations where they should not be sugar coated. They are supposed to be hard to deal with. I didn’t want to make a domestic violence filled relationship seem to be “That bad” because it was. It was bad. It was something that took me a very long time to get over and a very long time to come to terms with it.

I hope that when this book goes out into the online world that many too can find some sort of peace in reading it. You are not alone. Your feelings are valid and that you are fully able to feel whatever way you are feeling. I also want to show that through The Darkness comes light. There is a way to get past anything life throws at you and if writing poems like myself are a way to cope so be it, if you need to seek professional opinions and treatment, that is also alright too! There are many ways with dealing with life’s darkest and hardest subjects. This is my way of dealing with them.

If you would like to purchase the book you are more than welcome to do so here, though the link is for the Canadian site you may need to be redirected to the Amazon sited for your Country to be able to purchase a copy for yourself!

Frowned Upon Parenting: Part 3

The following post has been made thanks to the app Peanut (Not sponsored) where you can ask and interact with communities and groups of fellow Mom’s. One day I had asked one of the groups that I was in something that they would be doing that they know as a fact other mom’s or parents would be frowning upon. These were some of the things they said. For me, I will be also giving my opinion on each of the situations and hopefully you get a chuckle out of them. Some of them I know that I do or will do in my parenting journey, others I completely disagree with.

If you want to see the previous part’s as they are released they will be added here:
Frown Upon Parenting 1
Frown Upon Parenting 2
Frown Upon Parenting 4

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Cry it out is one of those things that either works or doesnt work for people. Some parents seem to think that it is considered abuse however those same parents it seems tend to complain when their children don’t sleep through the night. For me I see nothing wrong with crying it out as a method to teaching healthy sleep habits, that being said as long as the baby is of a correct age! When my oldest son was 6 months old we decided to do a modified cry it out method. This was because we had moved him to his own crib and wanted him to learn how to put himself to sleep. Was it hard? Incredibly. But in the long run I think it did more good than not doing anything at all. We also plan on doing this the same as we did with our second son once he turns 6 months old. However he has been in his crib for a lot longer due to the fact he is so much larger than my first was and out grew his bassinette in record time!

*** If you would like to support this blog financially you are more than welcome to do so by clicking this link here to bring you to my Ko-Fi website. Supporting the blog via tips is NEVER pressured however if you feel so inclined to help out in another way this is a perfect way to do so! You can see some behind the scenes items as well as insider info on the store updates and uncensored blogs also coming soon!

Another some what controversial subject is consequences for when a child misbehaves. Some parents believe that there should be no consequences. That kids will be kids and let them live and learn. I would like to say that I kind of fall on the spectrum that there should be consequences to some extent. There is of course natural consequences that will happen when a child does something that you really don’t need to intervene about. There is also some after asking a few times to stop doing something that yes, they should have consequences. Life is about learning and if say my oldest hits my youngest there will be some sort of consequence.

Allowed sugar junk food moderation is one that can be seen as horrible. We are of the believe that kids will be kids and obviously I’m not pumping them with 4 chocolate bars in the morning for the entire day but sometimes a treat is needed. As an adult do you not get treats too? Believe it or not there is some families where they do not give any single treats what so ever and well, that is kind of mind blowing for me to think about but that is the case!

One parent had commented that they know they would be frowned upon for giving their kids chores. I see absolutely nothing wrong with this. In fact, I think the society we live in now, half the problems is that parents do every single thing for their children and don’t instill a sense of responsibility in their children. Growing up when we were able to understand and have some responsibilities we did have chores too. We would get a dollar a day if we completed it and every two weeks my mom would pay us the money. Obviously if you have teens they are fully able to get jobs than allowance would not be given however this was a great way for us to learn how to take care of the house as well as being able to save out money for things that we did like to have. You can fully bet once my son’s are old enough that I will be trying to do the same things with them in hopes to instill the same values!

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Pats on the bum is and will forever be one of the most heated discussions when it comes to raising kids. Especially now a days where it is seen as abuse and chances are when we were growing up we in fact had pats on the bum. I know for myself, I certainly did. I however am hoping to never get to that point with my own kids because I know how it felt to have your bum tanned from doing something bad. Will I say something if another person chooses to do that? No. If someone wants to do old fashioned discipline to their children that is their choice. However there is a fine line between abuse and discipline when it comes to spanking a little ones behind. I just know for myself it is not something that I would want to add to how I teach my children what is write and what is wrong.

As you can see there really is a lot of things that parents frown upon others which is why I asked the question and figured that I would be make a mini series of what things parents know to be maybe not the normal lifestyle choices for raising kids! And why not put my own opinions within this too, because you never know how people may feel about these specific circumstances! Was there anything in the list above that you do or know you will have others frown upon your parenting style? Let me know in the comments below, maybe your point will be featured in the next set of Frowned Upon Parenting blogs!

If you would like to purchase the book you are more than welcome to do so here, though the link is for the Canadian site you may need to be redirected to the Amazon sited for your Country to be able to purchase a copy for yourself!

Inside my Mental Health Journal

When I first lost weight before I used a calorie counting journal. By doing this I also lost 30+ pounds. Though over the years, 10 plus, there has been some changes within them. As Ive aged I focus on certain things more so than others. Before it was just simple, count the calories. Exercise and that was it. Now I have included more things spiritually like how I feel that day, was I struggling, things like that. Only because there are more things I think I should be focusing on, Even self care or putting creams on my face. Habits I need to build that I no longer could on my own but keeping track is that much better.

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I know what a lot of people are probably thinking. Why do you write things out? I write things out because if I use an app (which works great for millions of people!) It never really “sinks in”. It makes me feel like a robot imputing data and I never really am aware about what I put into it. By writing it out, taking the time to do so, it makes things really click that I am aware about what I am doing. Maybe I have an off day and I’m writing longer than normal. Maybe I am having a great day and it goes super well and I have decorated the page. It really just depends. I prefer this way because it works for me!

I dont buy fancy books either. I buy a simple plain notebook and write my own outlines within it. I talk about how much I love notebooks in the blog here however when it comes to me and notebooks if I mess up, which to me is skipping days etc, I always feel like I need a fresh start. If I was buying notebooks pre-written I would be wasting even more more money than I do now on those things! Not to mention, even pre-writing the pages is helping to serve the purpose of also keeping my hands busy when I am sitting around in the evenings. I write a few pages or a few weeks worth of outlines and keeping my hands occupied.

Purchase your copy of The Darkness, the first of a trilogy of collections from ME! You can get your copy of the book here by clicking anywhere in this mini paragraph! Available on both Kindle and Paperback versions which ever you would like to buy!

I also keep track of my exercise in there. And when I say that It could be anything. Maybe I spend an hour really cleaning certain things in my home or gardening or maybe shoveling snow in the winter time or something. I try to keep track of activities even dancing that I do without it having to be exercise in the typical way one would think. Sometimes I dont give myself credit when I should and this is one of those things!

I also put notes at the bottom in case something happened. Maybe we went out for a dinner and I ate over my calories so this was a way for me to note why I may have eaten a lot more than I would. When I have days where we may order take out or maybe we are eating in a restaurant those are worth noting like all of them however a reason is good to see if we are ordering too much.

One of my toxic things about doing this is that I have 2 problems. One of those problems is that when I miss a few days of counting or tracking I have a tendency to stop writing anything down and I leave the book alone. I feel like because I missed a day and it wasn’t filled out perfectly that I am wasting my time and that is not even realistic in my way of thinking. I need to remember that there may be days here and there that I dont really want to fill it out or I forgot or maybe at the end of the day it was just too much. Life is not perfect but that is no reason to disregard anything that I have dont that could have been progress. The second one is that when I do fall into the not writing things down behavior I do a really big deal out of a minor inconvenience and I try to start over as in I wont use the same scribbler. I will re-write the same things I had in the other book and use a new book. But if I dont have any that I really want ot use I will physically go out or order on amazon a new book and write things. I need to stop this mindset. In reality I could be making millions of excuses and I need to just stop and do it for real this time.

You can see some examples here of how I fill out my scribbler. You can also see that I do post daily what I end up eating and what I enjoy more like a daily vlog on tiktok. I want to start that because I feel like the minor editing I can do on the app would be a great thing for me to start doing to occupy my hands again at the end of the night. Plus who doesn’t love to see a feel good story about losing weight. And another way or me to be held accountable is great for me too. I am really looking forward to finally feeling like I am doing something for myself!

The Light Explained

I am writing a book! Well a collection of poems that will be released as a book. If you haven’t read my other blogs explaining it here they are if you would like. I wrote about my collections in general here and then I also talked about my first book in the collection, The Darkness here.

There may be things in this post that are a trigger warning for people. I wanted to put this out there in case you have subjects that you are sensitive about so here it is.

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The Light is my second collection that I am releasing as part of a trilogy collection and premier books being released. This is the second book that I had written. The Light is a series of poems with a more uplifting vibe. It has chapters relating to Hope, Resilience, Generosity as well as many more. This collection is about overcoming obstacles and seeing The Light (pun intended!) at the end of the tunnel. It is showing that even after many of the troublesome things life may throw at us there is still a way to come out on top.

I wanted to write this into the trilogy because I feel life is about balance. If you aren’t familiar with The Darkness it is a collection about the hardest subjects one can think of. Things that in some way, shape, or form at least one poem in the previous collection will have some sort of meaning to everyone on the planet. The Light is to demonstrate that even after having some of the worst experiences of my life, having a different outlook and seeing that things can change has been a great experience for me.

To purchase the first collection of poems in the trilogy, the book before The Light click anywhere on this sentence, to be brought to the Amazon page! Available for both Kindle and Paperback!

Sometimes when we see things like in the first collection, it can be hard for people to see that things change. If I was to look at myself turning 20 and feeling like I was stuck in the worse relationship of my life, that I would in fact be able to fast forward to now, a 32 year old with 2 children and with a spouse who loves me for who I am and not making me feel like I am useless, that things do get better. It felt like I was never going to break the cycle of my life until I just had to do it. Life has a lot of things that can change us. That is undeniable. It is how you deal with them in the future that you may wish you could see the future to know that it does in fact, get better.

The Light is a collection of hope and dreams being realized that they are attainable. I have also labeled some of these poems with different sub-subjects similar to the first because there may be some trigger warnings as well that could hurt the readers. Some of these poems talk about weight loss struggles, maybe overcoming health issues or leaving an abusive relationship when the time is right. It is showing that even after being through hell you can see some sort of relief even if you are dealing with something you have no idea how the chips may fall, so to speak.

The Light and the third collection, The Colorful were written about as I wrote poems for the first. If you are familiar with the first you will know that it is very heavy mentally. I loved that I wrote these poems at the same time as the total trilogies (Ill write a blog about how I wrote them all in a year later too!) and it was refreshing at least for me to write about a few of the heavier topics, and flipping to these to write and change my mind set. I think if I was to stick to one of them and complete then move to the next it would have been a lot harder due to the mindset that I had to be in for the first collection.

This book in particular was a very eye opening experience as well. It made me think constructively about things that I never really did. How I made it through a rough relationship, a tough teenage and high-school life, and somehow I made it on top. Somehow I was able to change things and how my life was going for the better. I never was able to critically think about how I have grown as a person from these circumstances until I wrote the poems that went along with them. I tried not to focus so much on the actual events leading up to them (That is the first collection!) but more so on the perseverance (another chapter subject!) it took to keep going and realize that I am strong and that I am able to move forward with growth.

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My hope is if people have been able to read the first book they will see that this one is a continuation. This one is a flip side of darkness that hides in the corners of the world, but a bit of light that is trying to grow if we let it! There is no timeline for healing for various reasons. One being no situation is the same and how we all handle things is also different too. For me it took me over 10 years to have any desire to express how I felt even in this collection where I talk about how I came through the champ and thrived since dealing with that in my early adulthood.

I hope that when this is public and released that you find yourself relating to this book in many ways. Maybe you do some of the things every day, or maybe you can relate to the situations and overcoming obstacles that you may have, in the moment felt like you were stuck.

A letter to my Ex

Dear Dumbass,

Yes. You are a fucking idiot. I know already this post will be mean, and cruel but that is nothing in compare to what you have done to me when I was so young. I feel like after 10+ years I am finally able to write this even though I know there is a strong chance you will never get to read this. I would put you name on blast here but maybe with the help of people on Halifax Twitter they can pass it along to people from Liverpool and you will see what a thriving adult I have become with no thanks to you.

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Dating you was by far one of the darkest times of my life. I was 18 years old and you were old enough to know better than to be an abuser. You took advantage of who I was and how I was in life. I was easy going, I was kind, I would give anyone the shirt off of my back, including you. I hate that I was so blindly in love with you than I allowed you to take advantage of me financially, mentally, and physically. I am finally getting over the fact that I was too shy or afraid to say no and that I ignored all of the red flags that were so bright even astronauts in space could have seen them. I never knew that my first romantic relationship officially would be the worst one of my entire life.

I will never thank you for anything that has brought me to where I am in life. Instead the experience of me being with an actual abuser has taught me a lot.

*** If you would like to support this blog financially you are more than welcome to do so by clicking this link here to bring you to my Ko-Fi website. Supporting the blog via tips is NEVER pressured however if you feel so inclined to help out in another way this is a perfect way to do so! You can see some behind the scenes items as well as insider info on the store updates and uncensored blogs also coming soon!

I now know what I wanted in a partner. I wanted someone who had a job. And no I dont mean the dead end jobs that you quit after a few weeks because you just wanted to stay home and blow all of my money on weed and poker. I wanted someone with a stable job. One that could support me if I ever needed it. I wanted someone who could afford their own apartment. Not renting a room in a large space, I mean someone who actually was renting their own apartment because they had the job to afford it. I also deserved someone who had their license and a vehicle. I was tired of busing from Sackville to Halifax to see you when you did nothing in return. I knew this was something I deserved after putting up with you for 2 years.

One of the best things to happen to me was driving by your house with a friend on Canada Day in 2020 or around there to find out that you in fact had some girl over. Funny story, You actually got her pregnant while with me. That was the ending that I needed to rid you from my life. And you know what, You also abused her apparently. Who would have thought right. Shocking I know.

Fast forward to 12 years later. I still sometimes Facebook search you. I see your profiles. You know the multiple ones you continue to create every few years when you are running from your problems. Hell, I even googled your name AG (Yeah, Let’s use initials now, maybe I can warn someone of how toxic you are). You know what I found, How you escaped from a mental health floor in Halifax. I felt relief that I had dodged that bullet. I truly believe if I was still with you I would have been dead by now. I also haven’t continued to block your accounts because I want you to see what little I show publicly and how I am thriving. How I am doing so much better than when I was with you.

You may be asking, But why am I writing this letter to you now AG. Why, that would be because in a few months (If not sooner) my goal is to release a collection of poetry. This collections will be on subjects that do have abuse and hatred in them. A lot of the times when I talk and write about domestic violence and how you made me feel it is in regards to you. I never mention your name in them but if for some reason they end up in your lap know that you are still that piece of shit you were when I was 18 years old. When you stole my money, when you played poker on my credit cards, when you broke my possessions because you got mad and thought breaking MY stuff was cool, or when you stole money from me to buy weed or other drugs, or when you left me in the cold because a drink accidentally got spilled on you at the bar. Oh and lets not forget the bloody lips, the countless bruises, the thrown glasses, or the time you stabbed me in the leg with a pair of scissors. You did all that. Or even the times you defrauded my bank account or made me sign you up for a cell phone because you have NO credit either.

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They say that life only throws what you can handle. Well I barely could handle you. I will again never say I am thankful for anything that you have done for me. You did teach me a lot about myself indirectly. AG you are the worst relationship anyone could ever have. The only thing missing was murder. I like to think that because I had to endure you for so long that the universe has rewarded me with my lifetime love. Again, maybe I am finally getting the courage to write this out due to my poetry and author debut coming up. Maybe I finally feel like I am ready to kind of share how it feels for a part of my life and how much I was hiding from everyone. Maybe secretly I hope you read this and you continue to know what a piece of shit you actually are. I know you have more kids who you probably don’t see. And have never been in a long term relationship either.

Before I go though. I won’t go into too much detail, I want you to know this.
I am incredible. You were lucky to even have me once let alone twice for the second year. I am happy that you threw me aside and I picked myself back up again because I was too young to have left you. Right now as I write this my two son’s are asleep. I am sitting in my nice warm house. Not rented, Owned. I have a spouse who loves me for every single flaw you helped to create. He and I have been together since about 8 months after I was with you. It was scary for me to date again. But as I mentioned I knew what I wanted. I have a vehicle and a license. I no longer need to take the bus to see anyone. I have a cat who is not abused like your cats were and I also have a dog. I am debt free and I am at a point in my life where I want everyone to know that I am just as incredible as I always was. I keep people around who want to be around and get rid of dead weight when they use or abuse me. Since being in what one would say a relationship, as shitty as it was, I have had so many positive experiences and relationships.

I hope you are jealous.

Get your copy of the Darkness here

My High School Ecstasy Addiction

Before I begin, I’m writing this for a few reasons. One being a release of my poetry book. The Darkness touches on some of life darkest subjects. One of those being drug abuse. And before anyone says “bUt hOw dId yOuR pArEnTs nOt KnOw”. Well what can I say, I was a good liar and embellished the truth when the time came up. My hope is that by sharing this story that maybe, just maybe you will notice some things on your own instead of having it happen behind your back. Plus as a parent, Id like to think I could notice this with my kids when they are older in the event that they too find their way into this lifestyle even if only briefly.

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It started super innocently, doesn’t it all? I had friends who liked to occasionally do ecstasy for dances. I was a stoner and figures why not? It was a one time thing and it would be an experience. Normally people have a few drinks and what not but this time I wanted to have a bit more fun. I was 17 (I think) and it was the summer months. Maybe May. I obviously only took one and it was enough. I wanted to dance and dance and dance. I felt invincible. Like I had energy of 100 people and the night would never end. To say I never enjoyed it I would be lying.It was so different than smoking weed, I felt like I had energy and could go non-stop. Much different then the weed that I was used to smoking which made me more sluggish and chilled out. This was the opposite.

*** If you are someone who is really enjoying the blogs and has the financial freedom to want to support this through tips, you are more than welcome to do so by clicking on this link to bring you to my personal Ko-Fi page. Never will you ever be pressured to support in this way however the option is there if you wish to do so! Your continued support regardless of financial or not is greatly appreciated

Fast forward. I wanted to do it more. I wanted to do it at parties. I wanted to do it at my workplace. Lucky for me I worked at Burger King and there were also staff members who also dabbled into these so we would do them on our nights. The evenings would literally fly by and well would be on top of our game. If anything it would enhance our experience of working because we had an unlimited amount of motivation and energy (so it seemed). Where we worked so late by the time we would come down we would also be heading to bed so it kind of worked out in the end. Even still we would maybe just end up staying a bit later if anything. Sitting in the back parking lot when the store closed and then smoking a joint or chain smoking cigarettes.

Soon I was buying between 10 to 20 pills at a time. I was selling some to make my money back. I was using them while at work, in school, partying, hockey games, anywhere. I was even doing them alone in my room with all of my trippy lights too. It honestly never mattered. And what is worse is I was smoking like a champ whenever I was on them. I was hiding it from people I was gloating to others that I could do ecstasy and function. The high was amazing but the come down was not. I felt drained and just sad. Because ecstasy messed with your mind literally giving you a feeling of happiness when it is gone from your system you feel down, empty. Like you needed some sort of pick me up to bring you back out of this type of slump.

So now your wondering how did I quit? Well. I still did it occasionally up until I was 21. Mind you it was far far less of a daily occurrence and maybe a once or twice a year thing or something that I did in the clubs while partying. It wasn’t done at my job and it wasn’t as in the open so to speak. I just couldn’t keep doing it like when I was a teenager. Nor did I have the money to do it like that either. It was something that I would get if I knew anyone who had any at the time and I would just do it for a treat. I know that sounds absolutely nutty but that is the truth.

Then my 21st birthday happened. I had a random pill left from ones I had bought a while ago. It was like something snapped. I was an adult everywhere in the world. I was just getting high with some friends (weed that is) and I had this one solo pill. I threw it out the window. Like threw it out the car window as a friend was driving me home from a night of geting baked smoking weed. Now as an adult with kids, I probably should have flushed it but I cant turn back time and that is what happened. It was like something had happened where I was ready to close that chapter of my life. I was just over that part of my partying days. That was it. I think because I was barely doing it anyway it was easy for me to not do it anymore. Had I still been deep into taking pills or MDMA like I was when I was younger, I may not have had an easy time to give it up.

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Do I regret taking that pill for the dance that night? Maybe. There was a lot of situations that I put myself in that were risky beyond words. Did it help me grow or teach me things about my life? Yes. Looking back though, I am thankful that nothing more serious happened, and the fact I could stop on my own without outside help too. There is for sure moments now as an adult that I wonder just how I got through them. Some sketchy parties were around and things like that.

If you would like to purchase the book you are more than welcome to do so here, though the link is for the Canadian site you may need to be redirected to the Amazon sited for your Country to be able to purchase a copy for yourself!

Poetry, why this?

If you have been following the blog for the past few months you may have noticed that I have been taking a deep dive into poetry. In fact, I even have a few collections releasing in the near future also. Though if you are familiar with how I write here you will find out quickly that this stuff is a little bit different, okay, maybe a lot different than here!

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You also may be asking yourself, why poetry? Well a love of poetry started when I was a younger teen. Learning poetry in school was a love that I never knew I needed but enjoyed myself. In Junior high I was bullied. I know, a lot of people are probably thinking “Sames, I too was bullied”. To the point that I even self harmed for a period of time. Writing poems and learning about different styles was something that I was actually good at.

I loved learning about limericks in particular. They were a bit weird and a bit funny while telling a mini story so to speak. I loved making different verses and making a rhythm scheme for them too. Thinking outside of the box to make even the most challenging words sound good together. My teachers even made remarks how I seemed to have a “knack” for writing them when it came to it.

*** If you are someone who is really enjoying the blogs and has the financial freedom to want to support this through tips, you are more than welcome to do so by clicking on this link to bring you to my personal Ko-Fi page. Never will you ever be pressured to support in this way however the option is there if you wish to do so! Your continued support regardless of financial or not is greatly appreciated.

As I grew more and more through high school and finishing all together, i slowly stopped writing. If it wasn’t for an assignment for class I just never did it. Could be because I was a slacker or maybe it was because I never really needed to write how I felt. Regardless though, I stopped.

If you have also been reading some of my blogs, you will know that as a parent, myself and my spouse have decided that I stay home and take care of our kids. I even go in depth about it here, that being said I still have a need or a drive to find some sort of income making job while working from home. With Covid you would think that would be easy to do, it’s not because everyone wants to do it. However I dabbled with a few things. From making crafts and pins and enchains and things to putting an ad on 5iver trying to even do little things like that. When suddenly it came to me, Poetry!

I know, you are also probably thinking how random? Well not really. I have always wanted to be a write in some way, shape or form. That is a lot more of a challenge than you would think also too. I have many ideas for novels and things however when it comes to an editor, that costs money. But that kind of triggered my idea, why not poetry! I feel fairly confident that I can put out a poetry book and be able to edit it myself and have next to none if none in general spelling mistakes and things.

Ultimately this is kind of my gateway to writing. My hope is that by putting out a few collections this year, and maybe working on other ones as it happens, I can start to build some sort of passive active income. Where I need to just market and promote etc (I know I make it sound like it is easy but I realize that it really isn’t) and than I can work on writing other stories where as I have some income I can save for an actual editor for the longer and more difficult stories that I will in fact need the help.

I will say though, I am so very excited and nervous about this. I am nervous because I feel very exposed. In the first book with the hardest subjects I am writing about such as domestic violence. I find that this book was freeing in many ways. Some things I Had bottled up for a very, very long time and I am thankful to be able to keep my attention here and write. I am also scared no one will enjoy it either. I have given a few friends the collections to get their opinions and it has been challenging because I am so open with everything, some not knowing how I really have felt about the whole situations. They also say they love them which I know sounds crazy but I trust their opinions and also feel insecure thinking that are only telling me that because they are my friends.

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I am so happy to feel like I have found a bit of a calling though. Poetry is something that I have rediscovered as an adult. It is something I never knew I would enjoy again and if you asked me when I loved poetry in my younger years if I was actually going to write collections of books and things I dont think I would ever have guessed I would have had the drive or motivation to actually follow through with this dream.

Do I worry that I won’t be successful? To some extent yes. I do follow a few Facebook pages and I do see that they have various degrees of success. But I also see the range where some people have terrible launches and then they have good ones and how books are going over time. I am excited because I know that if I am not getting the launch I would like, there is still time for it to do well! I have a few ideas also that can help me have a smooth transition from being published to marketing and promoting.

I hope you too are excited, and who knows, maybe there will be some free books to give away too! Be sure to sign up for my email subscriber list by clicking the photo above for a free ebook “The Sampler” and your way in to seeing some book giveaways too!

If you would like to purchase the book you are more than welcome to do so here, though the link is for the Canadian site you may need to be redirected to the Amazon sited for your Country to be able to purchase a copy for yourself!

What Does a Picky Eater Eat

It is no surprise that whenever someone meets me they are instantly surprised if they do so around a meal and I seemingly do not eat the “normal” food that others do. Believe it or not at some point in my life mostly as a child I did in fact eat a lot of food. I wasn’t as picky but now as an adult I barely eat anything.

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Now before you are asking, how did it get this way? My mom never “made” us eat things. Her mother did and they would throw up at the table. My mom never made us eat things. If we didn’t want to eat it that was alright. But we also would go without for the rest of the night too. So if everyone else was having ice cream we were not allowed. I was a kid that wouldn’t eat what I was supposed to and I didn’t care if I got ice cream or not. I know you are probably also thinking “But Stacey, how do your kids eat?” They eat great! Their Dad, my spouse eats anything and everything under the sun.

Meats: the ONLY things I eat remotely close to meats would be chicken, depending on my mood, bacon, balogna, and hot dogs. Sometimes I will eat small sausages however it honestly just depends on my mood really. The thought about eating meats like steak or hamburgers does not appeal to me at all though. If I were to dabble more in the meat category I would not be touching these. I also do eat fish sticks too. But let’s be honest. They are so over processed that I dont think it really matters at that point. I do eat nuts and seeds though and peanut butter. So even if I’m not eating meat in the obvious way I do try to get the same protein from other sources.

Veggies and fruits: these are virtually non existent. I dont eat any fruit but have on a very rare occasion drank a fruit smoothie. It has to be blended to be the smoothest consistency because I cannot handle anything with texture. I do lime dried fruit thins like these and I also love some juices like apple juice or even orange juice (without pulp).

Dairy is one that I eat a lot of but not really. I dont like yogurt or stuff like cottage cheese either. But I do love cheeses and I adore milk. I drink cows milk not almond or whatever else but if you do enjoy that you can check them. I enjoy milk and always have since I was a child. That being said in the summer I do drink less because I find with the heat I am not feeling it normally.

Breads are my favorite. If I was anything I would be a carbavoire. I love pasta and breads and anything in between. One thing I wont eat but I’m sure I would do obviously fine is if I swapped white pasta or white break for whole wheat. Now the taste is obviously different but I think I would still enjoy it regardless I just never do. If you are wondering what I eat, this is basically the majority if my meals. In fact as I write this I am probably going to be making some Kraft dinner for my son and I for lunch today. We maybe have it once a week because he has much healthier options in the mean time like veggie soups. I will also say that I do not like rice either. Anything with a dough basically is huge for me.

Another big hurdle that I have is texture.

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Now I know what you are thinking, why not try things now? What is stopping you?

I think I have 2 reasons to blame for this. Or maybe its me making an excuse to justify it but who knows.

One reason for this is because I believe that I have an anxiety surrounding foods. It is like the thought of even trying something new makes me immediately want to shut down. It makes me feel sick and nauseated. I can’t even really explain it. Its comes to mind the saying “I like what I like and I know what I like”. Trying new things is something I always said that I wanted to do. I want to for my health but also for my kids to enjoy other things with me too. Its just when the moment comes to actually do it I freeze and I have no idea how to get the thing inside of my mouth to try.

I am also trying my best to post daily tiktoks too. These are important I think as a way to hold myself accountable and also I want to share with others that I can basically eat what I want and lose weight as long as it has to do with portion control and counting calories. Life doesn’t have to be hard or difficult or a bunch of numbers and tracking. Just trying to count one thing calories can be huge in losing weight!

If you would like to purchase the book you are more than welcome to do so here, though the link is for the Canadian site you may need to be redirected to the Amazon sited for your Country to be able to purchase a copy for yourself!